I feel so trapped and I dont even know why anymore. Its just this feeling that wont go away and its driving me insane like a caged animal. The stress, and the anxiety and the dependacy is causing me to lose my mind and I hate it. God i hate everything right now beacause its mothers day and all ive done is sit home alone by myself because both of my mothers are no longer in my life. I hate holidays so much, so fucking much:/
Its consuming me again and Im slipping away.
This feeling burns in, a longing worsening by the day.
Two hundred and eighty-eight days slipping from the palm of my hand.
Its so invisible, no one sees it but me.
Its like the grim reaper has taken its hold and all I want to do is suffocate in the temptation.
I feel like I’m dying again and I dont even know why.
I want the hurt almost as much as I want to cry.
The guilt and the pain are slowly sinking in.
It just wont stop, its the cycle I am in.
At this point I’m just trying to find a way not to break somehow.
I dont know how to explain it
Its like Im happy and majorly depressed all at the same time. My life is going better now than it has in years but its ridiculous. My anxiety has been through the roof lately, he littlest things get to me, all I want to do is sleep. Im thankful and upset Dannys worked so much lately, when hes around I calm down some, but I hate him knowing things bug me. The desire to cut, or fall back into my eating disorder has been so strong lately. I know its just a cry for help but it doesnt seem like it would even be loud enough for him to hear. I feel like I could comletely sink back into my eating disorder and he would never even notice…..The cuts he might but then again Im sure I could hide those too as long as the lights were out when we have sex. I know he has a job and I know he has to work but him having all that always seems to be when Im at a breaking point and dont know what to do:/
The truth
Yeah it hits me sometimes. When I was younger I was so consumed with growing up so fast that I never considered once what I was leaving behind. Now when I have time like this on my hands to kill I miss it all terribly. I miss my friends and my life and freedom of not having a 40hr work week and being tired, and fighting with my boyfriend and being stressed. I miss not stressing money, not stressing my car, not stressing how im gonna pay for school or what the fuck im doing with my life, I miss so many things. Now dont get me wrong, I wouldnt trade what I have for the world and I think I’d be incomplete without Danny but then theres just weeks like this week when Im stressed and depressed and nothing makes it better and all I want to do is run around screaming “adventure!!!” with my two bestfriends through the halls at our high school again. I miss my teenage years and late nights and feeling my age. Im about to be 19 years old and my biggest concern all day has been finding a house. I just feel so worn down :/
I love my future husband
But fuck i’d like to smack him sometimes…..Ive been up since 4am and had around 3.75 total hours of sleep lastnight. I feel bad for being such a bitch this morning but pms, lack of sleep, and being booted out of bed at 4am by him was not my ideal night. I wouldnt trade these sleepless nights for the world cause I love him bed hogging and all but its time for a bigger bed.
Havent been on in forever…..
I really havent been on here in forever…this semester and work has been ridiculous and I hardly have had time to sleep let alone tumbl. So much has changed in my life..Moving out and moving in with my boyfriend, work, school, bestfriends, being so sick lately.
I think my bulimia tore down my body, yes I finally admit I had an eating disorder and it was killing me. Ive been so sick lately but im finally doing better. Part of my misses my ED and part doesnt. Ive got that little monster in me that wants to be skinny so bad tho that I dont know what to do with myself anymore.
I do have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me no matter what, I just hate that his waist line is a good seven inches smaller than mine. I want to be that perfect girlfriend and eventually perfect wife for him, its just been on my mind a lot lately.
Im just not sure what to do anymore I just knw what Im not doing something right. M ylife is wonderful aside from my negative body image. I just want to be tiny again, is that too much to ask for?
(Source: wisheverythingwasbetter)
(Source: staypozitive)
(Source: lovequotesrus)
To be completely honest, I never thought that I would be lucky enough to be head over heels in love with my bestfriend. Yeah its pretty great.
Life has its ups and downs but he makes even the worst seem better.
I just hope that everything that we’re trying to make happen works out for us.
mybestfriend; TimMcGraw <3
I just wanna be the only girl you love all your life <3
(Source: blameitallonthegame)
